(no subject)

[abigailbrady]

so. i am 29 this year. compared to where i was 10 years ago, i have changed a lot. i am a fully functioning adult human being with a job and a flat and friends and everything. this is good.

i have not ever been in a relationship/dated anyone. as an abstract concept this doesn't particularly upset me. i am, as noted above, a self-sufficient independent person. i can appreciate the argument that having had no relationships is better than having had bad ones. and y'know, if that was the end of the matter i don't think i'd be unhappy. but it's not.

because every so often someone makes the mistake of being nice to me. and i get painfully infatuated. and i then get rejected. and then i feel like shit for a few months, and then it happens again with someone else. i would like this to stop happening. if it could stop happening by someone actually liking me for a change this would be nice. it doesn't seem very likely though, does it?

people tell me they have no idea why people aren't interested in me, but that they are sure it is just coincidence. i don't believe that. there are clearly influencing factors. i am very worried that i'm missing huge chunks of appropriate human behaviour in my socialisation (i ought to have learned all this in my late teens/early 20s, when i was otherwise occupied), and this is just an area of life which will remain forever closed to me. this idea upsets me, because what little of it i have experienced i liked. i would like to have hope, but hope has caused pain.

i am left confused and upset.

so

• what is wrong with me?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume i am happily single?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume there must be something wrong with me?
  
• are in fact people interested in me and i am not noticing it? (note: if so please tell me)
  
• should i make effort to meet more new people?
  
• wouldn't it be better just to go and hide?
  
• am i just hanging out in the wrong social circle to meet people who might be interested in me?
  
• given how bad i am at dealing with rejection anyway, wouldn't it be a really terrible idea for me to put myself in a situation with even more potential for that?
  

in conclusion: argh. answers, suggestions and proposals welcome.

Comments

[khalinche.livejournal.com]

It also took me a while to work out how you were gendered, before that last time we got to talking in the Pembury. In fact, I didn't know that you had transitioned until you mentioned it on my journal. It's not important to me at all to know someone's gender, though, and I'm comfortable with having the signals a little bit scrambled.

I also agree with owlfish's comment; if anyone is put off by you being trans or androgynous, well, they're probably not worth bothering with. I don't think it's an insurmountable obstacle. To me, you sort of present as 'geeksexual' ie enthusiastic and a little awkward. I suspect, having had a tipsy flirtatious conversation with you (which was lots of fun!) that you could do with more practice at flirting and expressing interest, and overcoming shyness. I also agree with what Ewt says about lack of non-sexual human touch - I think people suffer from that more than they (we) let on. Getting used to physical closeness with people would remove a lot of the awkwardness around touching and being touched.

You can flirt with me any time to hone your skills ;)

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

*nod*

I've been trying to follow some of the advice in the last couple of months. Particularly the bits about not hiding and meeting new people.

Yay! :) I enjoyed talking to you and I am glad that you also did. We must do that again sometime...

Are you coming to the Pembury this evening?