(no subject)

[abigailbrady]

so. i am 29 this year. compared to where i was 10 years ago, i have changed a lot. i am a fully functioning adult human being with a job and a flat and friends and everything. this is good.

i have not ever been in a relationship/dated anyone. as an abstract concept this doesn't particularly upset me. i am, as noted above, a self-sufficient independent person. i can appreciate the argument that having had no relationships is better than having had bad ones. and y'know, if that was the end of the matter i don't think i'd be unhappy. but it's not.

because every so often someone makes the mistake of being nice to me. and i get painfully infatuated. and i then get rejected. and then i feel like shit for a few months, and then it happens again with someone else. i would like this to stop happening. if it could stop happening by someone actually liking me for a change this would be nice. it doesn't seem very likely though, does it?

people tell me they have no idea why people aren't interested in me, but that they are sure it is just coincidence. i don't believe that. there are clearly influencing factors. i am very worried that i'm missing huge chunks of appropriate human behaviour in my socialisation (i ought to have learned all this in my late teens/early 20s, when i was otherwise occupied), and this is just an area of life which will remain forever closed to me. this idea upsets me, because what little of it i have experienced i liked. i would like to have hope, but hope has caused pain.

i am left confused and upset.

so

• what is wrong with me?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume i am happily single?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume there must be something wrong with me?
  
• are in fact people interested in me and i am not noticing it? (note: if so please tell me)
  
• should i make effort to meet more new people?
  
• wouldn't it be better just to go and hide?
  
• am i just hanging out in the wrong social circle to meet people who might be interested in me?
  
• given how bad i am at dealing with rejection anyway, wouldn't it be a really terrible idea for me to put myself in a situation with even more potential for that?
  

in conclusion: argh. answers, suggestions and proposals welcome.

Comments

and moar...

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Another thing that occurs to me is we live in a very non-touch-oriented society. I know that when I am tired, stressed or lonely, I need quite a bit of physical contact (though not necessarily sexual contact, which can be distressing if I'm really upset) and sometimes only physical contact will do. I know that when I was dating shevek I basically expected him to provide that whenever I needed it, and that was difficult because a) we lived in different cities (after we'd finished living in different countries) and b) he is easily drained by that sort of contact in some contexts. I am learning to manage this quite differently now. It does help to have a strong circle of friends who will actually hug me (and even snuggle a bit) if I ask, and it helps to have two boyfriends, but there are still times when I feel isolated due to lack of touch. I'm learning that there are things I can do that will help me feel better for a while; a hot bath, or a hot water bottle, or a walk outside all help. Staying in touch with people online helps (though can be counter-productive if I'm not careful). Listening to really good music helps, and I so often forget to do it. Anyway, I'm wondering if some of your painful infatuation might be due to plain old ordinary touch-deprivation, and if completely non-sexual physical contact on a regular basis might help you feel better. But maybe I'm just projecting my own needs onto you.

Re: and moar...

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

(you know more about the specifics than nearly anyone who has commented, by the way, so i hope that perception of me is not typical. it is interesting to contrast that with comments of other people).

Certainly hanging around with poly/bi people is going to be a slight advantage.

I'm not sure that this doesn't make it worse, actually. Lots of people having lots of relationships about me.

Anyway, I'm wondering if some of your painful infatuation might be due to plain old ordinary touch-deprivation, and if completely non-sexual physical contact on a regular basis might help you feel better.

I do like non-sexual physical contact and I do not get anywhere near enough of it. Maybe I'd be happy in a non-sexual romantic relationship, even. I won't really know what I'm looking for until I've found it.