(no subject)

[abigailbrady]

so. i am 29 this year. compared to where i was 10 years ago, i have changed a lot. i am a fully functioning adult human being with a job and a flat and friends and everything. this is good.

i have not ever been in a relationship/dated anyone. as an abstract concept this doesn't particularly upset me. i am, as noted above, a self-sufficient independent person. i can appreciate the argument that having had no relationships is better than having had bad ones. and y'know, if that was the end of the matter i don't think i'd be unhappy. but it's not.

because every so often someone makes the mistake of being nice to me. and i get painfully infatuated. and i then get rejected. and then i feel like shit for a few months, and then it happens again with someone else. i would like this to stop happening. if it could stop happening by someone actually liking me for a change this would be nice. it doesn't seem very likely though, does it?

people tell me they have no idea why people aren't interested in me, but that they are sure it is just coincidence. i don't believe that. there are clearly influencing factors. i am very worried that i'm missing huge chunks of appropriate human behaviour in my socialisation (i ought to have learned all this in my late teens/early 20s, when i was otherwise occupied), and this is just an area of life which will remain forever closed to me. this idea upsets me, because what little of it i have experienced i liked. i would like to have hope, but hope has caused pain.

i am left confused and upset.

so

• what is wrong with me?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume i am happily single?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume there must be something wrong with me?
  
• are in fact people interested in me and i am not noticing it? (note: if so please tell me)
  
• should i make effort to meet more new people?
  
• wouldn't it be better just to go and hide?
  
• am i just hanging out in the wrong social circle to meet people who might be interested in me?
  
• given how bad i am at dealing with rejection anyway, wouldn't it be a really terrible idea for me to put myself in a situation with even more potential for that?
  

in conclusion: argh. answers, suggestions and proposals welcome.

Comments

[pplfichi.livejournal.com]

This will end up restating things that others have said, but more personal views the better?

There is nothing wrong with you, and I don't see people looking at you as though there is something wrong with you. Being attracted to people that are interested in you and this leading to infatuation is quite natural. Dating does seem to mostly come down to experience, and getting to know more people. Getting the experience is hard (especially as more people settle into long term relationships as we get older), meeting more people increases the chance that you will meet someone who wants a relationship with you. Hiding really doesn't help here. Hiding means not interacting with people, which is a sure way staying single.

People could be interested in you. You might not be noticing the signs through lack of relationship experience - in effect being blind to people flirting with you?

I really doubt that you're hanging in the wrong group of friends. As long as you are meeting new people and maintaining friendships with people then you will end up meeting people that find you attractive, and some of those will be interested in a relationship, some of whom will try harder then others. Really expanding your circle of friends is the only way I know of to increase your chance of finding a relationship.

As for the rejection question, rejection is always a risk. I feel that in investing on your emotional resources on someone for some time and that person rejecting you is going to be a particularly nasty form of it though. The other thing that springs to mind is that if you are obviously after someone in particular, people around you start to pick that up and are less likely to see you as someone open to the idea of a relationship. At the same time, you are less likely to notice anyone that isn't the person you are infatuated with at that moment.

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

This is all very easy for you to say. But how am I supposed to fix this? It's not like I am consciously doing any of it. this bit of angst - which I may have mentioned the details of to you before - was ultimately only resolved by me just not hanging around with that person any more. Every time I think I notice signs and act on it, it doesn't work out [bad original wording. ed.]. I don't want to be doing that for the rest of my life.

[pplfichi.livejournal.com]

This is all very easy for you to say.

No more easier or harder then anyone else.

But how am I supposed to fix this?

If I had a good answer to this question...

The not very useful answer is "do something different". Perhaps it is concentrating too on one person who seems nice and interested in you, perhaps it's something specific you need? (that maybe you haven't figured out yet? Have you an idea of what you're looking for in a relationship?). I don't know.

The linked to angst is 403 Forbidden. [edit: Not any more]

Do you mean every time you think you notice signs of <infatuation|someone being attracted to you>, you act to <try to stop it|ask the person out>?

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what I'm looking for really. I have observed in humans the way they figure out what they are looking for is to try various things and then see which they liked. That seems a pretty good way of going about it.