(no subject)

[abigailbrady]

so. i am 29 this year. compared to where i was 10 years ago, i have changed a lot. i am a fully functioning adult human being with a job and a flat and friends and everything. this is good.

i have not ever been in a relationship/dated anyone. as an abstract concept this doesn't particularly upset me. i am, as noted above, a self-sufficient independent person. i can appreciate the argument that having had no relationships is better than having had bad ones. and y'know, if that was the end of the matter i don't think i'd be unhappy. but it's not.

because every so often someone makes the mistake of being nice to me. and i get painfully infatuated. and i then get rejected. and then i feel like shit for a few months, and then it happens again with someone else. i would like this to stop happening. if it could stop happening by someone actually liking me for a change this would be nice. it doesn't seem very likely though, does it?

people tell me they have no idea why people aren't interested in me, but that they are sure it is just coincidence. i don't believe that. there are clearly influencing factors. i am very worried that i'm missing huge chunks of appropriate human behaviour in my socialisation (i ought to have learned all this in my late teens/early 20s, when i was otherwise occupied), and this is just an area of life which will remain forever closed to me. this idea upsets me, because what little of it i have experienced i liked. i would like to have hope, but hope has caused pain.

i am left confused and upset.

so

• what is wrong with me?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume i am happily single?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume there must be something wrong with me?
  
• are in fact people interested in me and i am not noticing it? (note: if so please tell me)
  
• should i make effort to meet more new people?
  
• wouldn't it be better just to go and hide?
  
• am i just hanging out in the wrong social circle to meet people who might be interested in me?
  
• given how bad i am at dealing with rejection anyway, wouldn't it be a really terrible idea for me to put myself in a situation with even more potential for that?
  

in conclusion: argh. answers, suggestions and proposals welcome.

Comments

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

what is wrong with me?

As previously noted, nothing. But perhaps some of your behaviour is unhelpful, and it is right to try to address this.

are people not interested in me because they assume i am happily single?

You make it fairly clear that you do not wish to be single, so I do not think that this is the case.

are people not interested in me because they assume there must be something wrong with me?

Not to my knowledge.

are in fact people interested in me and i am not noticing it? (note: if so please tell me)

Again, not to my knowledge.

These are difficult questions because I'm not sure what it is that makes me feel attracted to some people and not others. I know that intelligence and kindness have a huge amount to do with it, for me, but I don't know why I feel attracted to pfy and hairyears and not, say, timeplease or ali_anarres. I don't know why I have an intellectual crush on one person that does have a side-helping of strong physical attraction, but an intellectual crush on another person with absolutely no physical elements at all. Not knowing this about myself I can't extrapolate for other people and so I cannot generalise.

I also don't really do the flirting thing very well, I don't think.

The only thing that I can think of that might be specifically off-putting is that you can come across as a bit desperate, but I have no idea how much of that is stuff that I pick up as a person you talk to about these things sometimes. And it's a typical catch-22 situation as you won't stop coming across as desperate until you feel less desperate, and you won't feel less desperate until your outlook on your situation changes (which may be brought about by the actual situation changing).