(no subject)

[abigailbrady]

so. i am 29 this year. compared to where i was 10 years ago, i have changed a lot. i am a fully functioning adult human being with a job and a flat and friends and everything. this is good.

i have not ever been in a relationship/dated anyone. as an abstract concept this doesn't particularly upset me. i am, as noted above, a self-sufficient independent person. i can appreciate the argument that having had no relationships is better than having had bad ones. and y'know, if that was the end of the matter i don't think i'd be unhappy. but it's not.

because every so often someone makes the mistake of being nice to me. and i get painfully infatuated. and i then get rejected. and then i feel like shit for a few months, and then it happens again with someone else. i would like this to stop happening. if it could stop happening by someone actually liking me for a change this would be nice. it doesn't seem very likely though, does it?

people tell me they have no idea why people aren't interested in me, but that they are sure it is just coincidence. i don't believe that. there are clearly influencing factors. i am very worried that i'm missing huge chunks of appropriate human behaviour in my socialisation (i ought to have learned all this in my late teens/early 20s, when i was otherwise occupied), and this is just an area of life which will remain forever closed to me. this idea upsets me, because what little of it i have experienced i liked. i would like to have hope, but hope has caused pain.

i am left confused and upset.

so

• what is wrong with me?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume i am happily single?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume there must be something wrong with me?
  
• are in fact people interested in me and i am not noticing it? (note: if so please tell me)
  
• should i make effort to meet more new people?
  
• wouldn't it be better just to go and hide?
  
• am i just hanging out in the wrong social circle to meet people who might be interested in me?
  
• given how bad i am at dealing with rejection anyway, wouldn't it be a really terrible idea for me to put myself in a situation with even more potential for that?
  

in conclusion: argh. answers, suggestions and proposals welcome.

Comments

[battlekitty.livejournal.com]

Sorry - I could possibly be repeating stuff here, but there are too many comments for me to read all of them thoroughly before answering.

To answer the questions in order...

what is wrong with me?

Absolutely nothing. Let the other people be wrong ;)

are people not interested in me because they assume i am happily single?

In my experience, this is highly unlikely - my experience can be generalised by stating that it's when I'm not looking that I've tended to have people interested in me. I don't know if this is a reflection of not consciously looking and so not worrying or what. It's hard to judge as there's no truly neutral position to look from.

are people not interested in me because they assume there must be something wrong with me?

1) Err, have you met Aden? He's the most wrong person I've ever met, and I married him! Something being "wrong" doesn't preclude interest.

And more importantly:
2) I don't know of anything wrong with you, nor would assume that anything is! It doesn't work like that. In fact, I think the only people that might garner that attitude would be embodiment of a Disney character - picture book perfect looks (ie: made of plastic), not a bad thought in the world (nor an original one, for that matter) and the most calm-tempered, "always kind to children and animals" type of do-gooder that would make sane people want to throw up. When you start getting bluebirds sitting around your bedroom window waking you up in the morning with a saccharine sweet harmony in time for you to make waffles for the entire block, you can start worrying that people assume there's something "wrong" :) Personally, I think you'd need a lobotomy or 10 to reach that stage, so you should be safe!

are in fact people interested in me and i am not noticing it? (note: if so please tell me)

Distinctly possible. It's the whole being flirt-blind thing.

should i make effort to meet more new people?

Yes, always - it keeps life interesting, and increases the chances of finding someone statistically at least!

wouldn't it be better just to go and hide?

Hiding never helps. That statistically decreases your chances for a start! (Also: this doesn't apply to me, as of course it's perfectly logical when I do it... ;P Or in other words: I know I should take my own advice...!)

am i just hanging out in the wrong social circle to meet people who might be interested in me?

Frankly, I doubt it! (I shall put a few observations below on that one...)

given how bad i am at dealing with rejection anyway, wouldn't it be a really terrible idea for me to put myself in a situation with even more potential for that?

There's a theory along the lines of exposing yourself to rejection teaching you to accept it better. I don't know that I agree with it in practice, though! I guess it depends on the situation - in a manner of speaking, pick your fights! Things like this have an element of risk - with out the attempt there's little/no hope of a payoff, but there are times when the risk isn't worth it. (note: all theoretical, really, as I have no idea what the situation you speak of is!)

(cont. in part 2...)

[battlekitty.livejournal.com]

(Last week, we left our intrepid heroes dangling from the edge of a cliff at the end of a rapidly fraying rope: How will they get out of this one??)

Other comments:
- I went through my teenage years in my early 20s. I sometimes catch myself learning social stuff now that most people go throug hat 13. You're not the only one to have gone through the lack-of-socialisation thing.

- I know what you mean with the infatuation/rejection cycle. I have a tendency to do that myself. I have a way to get around it (coincidentally I've been talking with a friend recently about it and he pointed out that it's a really bad way to be dealing with it...) which I am finding isn't quite so important these days. It's also a different situation so probably wouldn't work in your situation. (ie: I find guys are a bit easier to interpret than girls. Yes, I know that's a generalisation.)

- To give you an example: I spent a large part of my highschool years being ignored by guys. This got to the extent that I spent about a year secretly convinced that I must be gay or something and everyone else could see this but I couldn't and hence no one was interested in me. Oh, the gaping holes in that argument... (I guess the fact that I could appreciate females as potentially attractive even though I hadn't met one of the small minority I am "interested" in didn't help, but nonetheless!)

...please excuse the occasional silly comment and do not interpret it as me trivialising your thoughts/opinions - I find lightening humour to be helpful to getting the underlying point acroos :) And I hope I have made you smile at least once!

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

note: all theoretical, really, as I have no idea what the situation you speak of is!)

situation hypothetical, referring to previous question.

- it ought to be comforting to know that other people have felt like this and gotten over it. i'll have to work on that.

- hmm.

I'm not sure what I think at the moment, which is I guess why I'm asking people. But it's gone on far too long.

[battlekitty.livejournal.com]

Situation Hypothetical: (Insert Mission: Impossible theme tune here...)
Ah - I see now! POssibly a better answer, then:
Trying to get into a different social circle can be tricky: you are opening yourself up to rejection in theory, but there are things to bear in mind:
- if you are trying to fit in with only One Thing (tm) on your agenda, yeah, it's most likely to fail in the long run if not the short. More friends is the aim you want there. (Not that I think you'd make that mistake - I'm stating the obvious!)
- If you are looking for socialising and possible friends, rejection shouldn't be an issue - you'll either get along or not, but if you find a closing of ranks and that sort of teenage elitism going on, do you really want to know them? If that sort of thing seems to be happening, it's a reflection on them, not you. (Not sure if that makes sense outside of my head...)


If I could explain in writing how to get over it, I'd do so (and write a book and try to make £million or something... hell, I might even manage to get over it myself!), but yes: more important is that it's not an impossible situation. I guess my point underlying a lot of that is that a) you are not a hopeless lost cause - you're a long way from it! b) Sometimes the human brain comes up with some pretty far-fetched excuses for situations - assuming that you're the one who's "wrong" and "everything" is your problem doesn't help get through it.

(Again, excuse my bluntness - I don't do tact very well! And am supposed to be working....)

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

Oh, I am not worried by people not being my friends. That sort of thing I can cope with well enough. It's just, if I meet more people, and I meet more people I am interested in, I also meet more people who spurn me when I tell them that. And anyway, if by some strange sequence of events I did have a relationship with someone - can you imagine what I would be like were I to be dumped? Maybe it is best just to stay out.

[battlekitty.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear! (And: Their loss!)

Think of it the other way: The more people you meet, the more likely you'll find ones that don't spurn your advances, or better yet jump you as soon as they get the chance! :) Nothing is certain.

You will never know how you will deal with a relationship ending until it happens: worrying about how you will deal if you get dumped is like trying to learn to ride a bike and spending all your time thinking about how much it will hurt when you hit the ground instead of learning how to pedal (and that's to say nothing of actually enjoying it!)

And anyway, every break up is different and it doesn't get any easier. (Hell, I've just gone through my worst ever and I've had more than a few relationships.) Of course, you can't assume that they'd break up with you, either!

(Have you seen 16 Candles, by the way? You reminded me of a really sweet quote in there by Sam's father: "That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else.")

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

But that tends towards thinking I haven't met the right person yet. Whereas I've probably met possible right persons several times but have been incapable of dealing with it. Meeting more people and failing in the same way because of my behaviour isn't going to help.

I have not seen that, no.

[battlekitty.livejournal.com]

Both are speculation, regardless. Maybe you met a right person at the wrong time for one of you, maybe they were incapable of dealing with it, too. *shrug* Past can't be changed, best look at the future :)

Behaviour: If that's the actual cause, yes, but even then it can't be the entire cause. (If it was, you would notice a distinct lack of friends!)

It's a very silly movie, but does have that quote halfway through it :) And it has a nice fairy tale ending.

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I should be looking to future. Maybe after this period of introspection I will. Having friends is still something I am vaguely surprised by, after horrible childhood experiences. Actually that's not true. I am just about used to it now.