(no subject)

[abigailbrady]

so. i am 29 this year. compared to where i was 10 years ago, i have changed a lot. i am a fully functioning adult human being with a job and a flat and friends and everything. this is good.

i have not ever been in a relationship/dated anyone. as an abstract concept this doesn't particularly upset me. i am, as noted above, a self-sufficient independent person. i can appreciate the argument that having had no relationships is better than having had bad ones. and y'know, if that was the end of the matter i don't think i'd be unhappy. but it's not.

because every so often someone makes the mistake of being nice to me. and i get painfully infatuated. and i then get rejected. and then i feel like shit for a few months, and then it happens again with someone else. i would like this to stop happening. if it could stop happening by someone actually liking me for a change this would be nice. it doesn't seem very likely though, does it?

people tell me they have no idea why people aren't interested in me, but that they are sure it is just coincidence. i don't believe that. there are clearly influencing factors. i am very worried that i'm missing huge chunks of appropriate human behaviour in my socialisation (i ought to have learned all this in my late teens/early 20s, when i was otherwise occupied), and this is just an area of life which will remain forever closed to me. this idea upsets me, because what little of it i have experienced i liked. i would like to have hope, but hope has caused pain.

i am left confused and upset.

so

• what is wrong with me?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume i am happily single?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume there must be something wrong with me?
  
• are in fact people interested in me and i am not noticing it? (note: if so please tell me)
  
• should i make effort to meet more new people?
  
• wouldn't it be better just to go and hide?
  
• am i just hanging out in the wrong social circle to meet people who might be interested in me?
  
• given how bad i am at dealing with rejection anyway, wouldn't it be a really terrible idea for me to put myself in a situation with even more potential for that?
  

in conclusion: argh. answers, suggestions and proposals welcome.

Comments

[blue-mai.livejournal.com]

unless the girl happens to be exceptionally forthright i think the freckles thing is a 2 or 3-stage tender process. they say "your freckles are nice", you say something encouraging, a couple of exchanges down the line one of you says "wanna fuck?"... people less likely to say "wanna fuck?" if they think you might get cross or something.

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

1. YOUR FRECKLES ARE NICE
2. ???
3. PROFITSEXORING

i don't seem to manage the "???" part.

[blue-mai.livejournal.com]

well, depending on persistence of this hypothetical girl - even not growling "GRRRR!" at her might be enough. ie. not being actively offputting. something actively encouraging like ... saying thanks and smiling? starting a conversation? is probably better though.

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

Now, where can I find this hypothetical girl?

[blue-mai.livejournal.com]

ummm.... if you decide you want to find this hypothetical girl, you need to increase your chances by going to places where such girls are rumoured to exist. if you decide you don't like those places, then you have to accept your chances are reduced (but still exist) if you want, for instance, to just hang out at the Pembury, it is not widely famed for being the place where available girls pick up available girls with cute freckles... but you do still meet new people there. so it's possible. if i was looking where would i go? not that i've made much effort to hunt out the london ladies, but one place springs to mind - Smack Club. it moves around, last i went it was at egg, i think it was end of 2006 so not really sure what it's up to now. but you arrive and it's a bit like - where are all these women usually? but it's not intimidatingly dyke. just a very very high proportion of women. something less overtly sexual - the Dolly Rockers events are a really good atmosphere, friendly, i would go there if i was looking. again, i don't keep up. but they do retro DJ and live music nights and all-dayers. all-dayers are nice - less pressure and usually more areas to just chat with people.
i don't do chatting up well either - i like to just converse.
i need to work but i intend to reply to other stuff below.

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

These are useful suggestions and I will look into them.

(I can of course come up with any number of excuses why I cannot possibly go to such places on my own without knowing anyone likely to be there etc etc. But this is just excuse-making as I have done that before.)

[blue-mai.livejournal.com]

also, Dolly Rockers is not sexually defined anything, but i don't actually feel particularly comfortable chatting people up at gay clubs, i think i get quite self-conscious and sometimes my spikes go up. dolly rockers (when i went) had people dressed up for fun and generally music orientated. this is good. i think i've just defeated my own advice there ...

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

Well, since I don't feel comfortable chatting people up anywhere, I might as well do it at a place where there is some hope of success.