(no subject)

[abigailbrady]

so. i am 29 this year. compared to where i was 10 years ago, i have changed a lot. i am a fully functioning adult human being with a job and a flat and friends and everything. this is good.

i have not ever been in a relationship/dated anyone. as an abstract concept this doesn't particularly upset me. i am, as noted above, a self-sufficient independent person. i can appreciate the argument that having had no relationships is better than having had bad ones. and y'know, if that was the end of the matter i don't think i'd be unhappy. but it's not.

because every so often someone makes the mistake of being nice to me. and i get painfully infatuated. and i then get rejected. and then i feel like shit for a few months, and then it happens again with someone else. i would like this to stop happening. if it could stop happening by someone actually liking me for a change this would be nice. it doesn't seem very likely though, does it?

people tell me they have no idea why people aren't interested in me, but that they are sure it is just coincidence. i don't believe that. there are clearly influencing factors. i am very worried that i'm missing huge chunks of appropriate human behaviour in my socialisation (i ought to have learned all this in my late teens/early 20s, when i was otherwise occupied), and this is just an area of life which will remain forever closed to me. this idea upsets me, because what little of it i have experienced i liked. i would like to have hope, but hope has caused pain.

i am left confused and upset.

so

• what is wrong with me?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume i am happily single?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume there must be something wrong with me?
  
• are in fact people interested in me and i am not noticing it? (note: if so please tell me)
  
• should i make effort to meet more new people?
  
• wouldn't it be better just to go and hide?
  
• am i just hanging out in the wrong social circle to meet people who might be interested in me?
  
• given how bad i am at dealing with rejection anyway, wouldn't it be a really terrible idea for me to put myself in a situation with even more potential for that?
  

in conclusion: argh. answers, suggestions and proposals welcome.

Comments

[squirmelia.livejournal.com]

And on OKCupid, other people can suggest changes to your profile, so we can write it all for you. ;)

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

Ooh. Can I also get other people to chat up more other people on my behalf? That would be ideal.

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

I really need to get out clubbing some time. I don't think I've been in a club at midnight since B-movie in September where I dressed up as Nocturne.

And yeah.

[x-mass.livejournal.com]

I'm not the best person to comment on this but I have generally assumed your not in any way attracted to me so I spend my time enjoying your company when we meet. I was kind off hoping that you would get together with someone but it looks like its not to be.

I have some ideas what some of the issues might be but they are true of so many of our community that I assume they either don't need repeating or I can repeat them in person when I see you next

[x-mass.livejournal.com]

I used to flirt all the time and enjoyed other people flirting with me, as long as it wasn't serious. If it it became serious I would fall apart. So being able to flirt is clearly about self confidence. However being flirt blind is all about perceiving yourself as attractive, as someone worthy of attention. I miss women flirting with me because I right now don't see myself as attractive, lovable - yes, attractive yes-ish. The other thing that definitely makes you more flirt blind is depression. firstly as you feel less bouncy and interesting to others, secondly you don't notice others flirting with you.

hope this helps

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

I would be interested to hear your thoughts.

[the4thcircle.livejournal.com]

I wanted to leave this comment until the thread was a bit old and forgotten about.

hopefully you'll still see it though, email notification and all.


See, if I'm being totally truthful, the main reason I personally never tried to advance our friendship in that direction was because I thought you were way out of my league. Still are really.

But I thought it might cheer you up to know.

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

That is a very curious thing to hear someone say. What do you mean by that, if I might ask?

[the4thcircle.livejournal.com]

Well when we first met, it was before anything long term had started between myself and Becca and I met you that time with Dave and Vicky, and I found you really attractive.

As I got to know you this fact didn't change but I started to put on weight, and I realised that while I was still living in University halls doing volunteer work and living on handouts from my parents; you had a tech job and your own place, and a massive collection of really intellectual books.

I've always had this slightly paranoid feeling that if I try to state further intentions towards a friend who is physically or intellectually my superior, I'll immediately be reclassified from the quirky hanger-on to the doting code monkey type, which would get me invited to even less parties. Which is ironic because its usually my intellectual and physical superiors that I find most attractive.

Then Becca and I got together on a more permanent basis and at your house warming party I realised how many attractive friends you had and saw that I really never had a chance after all compared to that lot, so I just let it go.

In my life in general, I've found lots of people attractive and wondered about the possibility of dating but the main reason I've actually dated so few of them was a general feeling of inadequacy.

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

Well, hmm. For starters, you are younger than me, and I had only just moved out of parents house in late 2005 after living with them for five years. As to my friends? Well, I repeat my entire post. :p

[the4thcircle.livejournal.com]

I have come to realise that often the way I percieve things is not actually how they are. In fact I have been known to seriously misread circumstances and make a complete tit of myself.

So given that as I already stated, I assumed I didn't have a chance with you, the relevant queston to ask would be: Did I?

And pending an answer to that the natural continuation: What about now?

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

My attention was on other people anyway, so it's not something that I considered. Probably not.

[the4thcircle.livejournal.com]

And that's exactly why I never tell people how I feel about them.

[khalinche.livejournal.com]

It also took me a while to work out how you were gendered, before that last time we got to talking in the Pembury. In fact, I didn't know that you had transitioned until you mentioned it on my journal. It's not important to me at all to know someone's gender, though, and I'm comfortable with having the signals a little bit scrambled.

I also agree with owlfish's comment; if anyone is put off by you being trans or androgynous, well, they're probably not worth bothering with. I don't think it's an insurmountable obstacle. To me, you sort of present as 'geeksexual' ie enthusiastic and a little awkward. I suspect, having had a tipsy flirtatious conversation with you (which was lots of fun!) that you could do with more practice at flirting and expressing interest, and overcoming shyness. I also agree with what Ewt says about lack of non-sexual human touch - I think people suffer from that more than they (we) let on. Getting used to physical closeness with people would remove a lot of the awkwardness around touching and being touched.

You can flirt with me any time to hone your skills ;)

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

*nod*

I've been trying to follow some of the advice in the last couple of months. Particularly the bits about not hiding and meeting new people.

Yay! :) I enjoyed talking to you and I am glad that you also did. We must do that again sometime...

Are you coming to the Pembury this evening?

[ikklebabyj.livejournal.com]

This may be years too late, and probably you wont even see my reply, nevertheless, I just have to second the part of wildeabandon's reply about smiling to people you have a moment of eye contact with.

It might feel silly at first, and it sure doesn't need to be long and strange, just a quick smile if you and another catch eyes for a second. Try it out, it's easier when you dont know them and they/you are on the move.

Jx

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

I have comment notifications on, so saw immediately. Thanks for the suggestion!