Yes. But perhaps 'change direction of effort' is better than 'make more effort'. I'm not sure.
Also, building social networks takes time. I've been gradually getting to know people in the current one I'm in since, oh, well, ages ago, and even then it only really came together because it was jump-started by the Borders meetup (which I started attending in early 2005).
I don't know how long it normally takes because I've never actually had a circle of friends like this before now.
wouldn't it be better just to go and hide?
I think you'd miss the non-romantic aspects of social contact after a while.
am i just hanging out in the wrong social circle to meet people who might be interested in me?
Depends what you think of as your social circle. Certainly hanging around with poly/bi people is going to be a slight advantage.
given how bad i am at dealing with rejection anyway, wouldn't it be a really terrible idea for me to put myself in a situation with even more potential for that?
It might be a good idea to learn how to deal with smaller forms of rejection before going for something that might result in a bigger one. I'm not sure it's useful to worry about it too much though, because that kind of rejection is going to be difficult no matter what.
I've had very few painful infatuations in my life, of the sort where I feel that I need the attentions or affections of a specific person. The big one I can think of led to a relationship that lasted 9 years. My other infatuations or crushes are more of a "This person exists and that in and of itself brings me delight and joy" nature. I can quite happily say that of the people I am currently vaguely interested in, only one of them knows about it (AFAIK), that person is unavailable and I really don't mind that she's unavailable, because seeing her happy makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside whether I have anything to do with it or not. I can enjoy spending time with her but feel no particular ache if I don't get a chance to for a while, save what I might in any social situation. I spend a lot of time thinking of her but this doesn't bother me as it is rather pleasurable. I have no idea whether this is normal or healthy, or whether other people tend to feel this way, and I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't, just trying to explain how it works with me.
When I have had painful, needful feelings toward people (most notably shevek) it has usually been because I have been very lonely and unhappy generally, and some trick of my brain convinced some part of me that if only he loved me, everything would be better. I would be safe, I wouldn't be alone, and all would be well. This is, sadly, a complete fantasy. That didn't stop me trying to apply it anyway, and re-arranging my entire life around one relationship, but that really didn't work and ultimately went a long way toward destroying the relationship. For context, before I fell for shevek I wanted to be an old maid with 27 cats because I didn't want any of the obligation or risk that comes with meaningful relationships with other people.
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timeasmymeasure
moar
Date: 2008-03-18 05:05 pm (UTC)Yes. But perhaps 'change direction of effort' is better than 'make more effort'. I'm not sure.
Also, building social networks takes time. I've been gradually getting to know people in the current one I'm in since, oh, well, ages ago, and even then it only really came together because it was jump-started by the Borders meetup (which I started attending in early 2005).
I don't know how long it normally takes because I've never actually had a circle of friends like this before now.
wouldn't it be better just to go and hide?
I think you'd miss the non-romantic aspects of social contact after a while.
am i just hanging out in the wrong social circle to meet people who might be interested in me?
Depends what you think of as your social circle. Certainly hanging around with poly/bi people is going to be a slight advantage.
given how bad i am at dealing with rejection anyway, wouldn't it be a really terrible idea for me to put myself in a situation with even more potential for that?
It might be a good idea to learn how to deal with smaller forms of rejection before going for something that might result in a bigger one. I'm not sure it's useful to worry about it too much though, because that kind of rejection is going to be difficult no matter what.
I've had very few painful infatuations in my life, of the sort where I feel that I need the attentions or affections of a specific person. The big one I can think of led to a relationship that lasted 9 years. My other infatuations or crushes are more of a "This person exists and that in and of itself brings me delight and joy" nature. I can quite happily say that of the people I am currently vaguely interested in, only one of them knows about it (AFAIK), that person is unavailable and I really don't mind that she's unavailable, because seeing her happy makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside whether I have anything to do with it or not. I can enjoy spending time with her but feel no particular ache if I don't get a chance to for a while, save what I might in any social situation. I spend a lot of time thinking of her but this doesn't bother me as it is rather pleasurable. I have no idea whether this is normal or healthy, or whether other people tend to feel this way, and I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't, just trying to explain how it works with me.
When I have had painful, needful feelings toward people (most notably