(no subject)

[abigailbrady]

so. i am 29 this year. compared to where i was 10 years ago, i have changed a lot. i am a fully functioning adult human being with a job and a flat and friends and everything. this is good.

i have not ever been in a relationship/dated anyone. as an abstract concept this doesn't particularly upset me. i am, as noted above, a self-sufficient independent person. i can appreciate the argument that having had no relationships is better than having had bad ones. and y'know, if that was the end of the matter i don't think i'd be unhappy. but it's not.

because every so often someone makes the mistake of being nice to me. and i get painfully infatuated. and i then get rejected. and then i feel like shit for a few months, and then it happens again with someone else. i would like this to stop happening. if it could stop happening by someone actually liking me for a change this would be nice. it doesn't seem very likely though, does it?

people tell me they have no idea why people aren't interested in me, but that they are sure it is just coincidence. i don't believe that. there are clearly influencing factors. i am very worried that i'm missing huge chunks of appropriate human behaviour in my socialisation (i ought to have learned all this in my late teens/early 20s, when i was otherwise occupied), and this is just an area of life which will remain forever closed to me. this idea upsets me, because what little of it i have experienced i liked. i would like to have hope, but hope has caused pain.

i am left confused and upset.

so

• what is wrong with me?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume i am happily single?
  
• are people not interested in me because they assume there must be something wrong with me?
  
• are in fact people interested in me and i am not noticing it? (note: if so please tell me)
  
• should i make effort to meet more new people?
  
• wouldn't it be better just to go and hide?
  
• am i just hanging out in the wrong social circle to meet people who might be interested in me?
  
• given how bad i am at dealing with rejection anyway, wouldn't it be a really terrible idea for me to put myself in a situation with even more potential for that?
  

in conclusion: argh. answers, suggestions and proposals welcome.

Comments

[wildeabandon.livejournal.com]

I find consciously flirting really hard, and I'm not sure that it's not been counterproductive when I have tried it.
*nods* I think setting out with an aim of "I'm going to flirt with this person" doesn't work per se. Things that do work:-

Ask people lots of questions about themselves. Obviously this comes across better if you're genuinely interested in what they have to say, but it's quite a good way of getting into deep and meaningfuls without having to actually do much of the talking, which is handy if you're shy.

Smile whenever you catch someone's eye - do this with everyone, as it makes you seem open and friendlier, and in general will actually put you in a better mood as well.

Think about sex a lot. You ask downthread about how people transmit sexual vibes; I can't be certain about this, but I think that for me it's just that I'm pretty much perpetually horny, hence pheremones do half the work for me before I even start chatting someone up!

Good luck!

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

*nod*

as shermarama noted, I have the talking to people about their interests and actually being interested down pretty well, I think. smiling would be easier if I were happier. people on the street who randomly tell me to smile annoy me.

i don't exactly have a big sex drive, and am kind of 'green' anyhow. so that doesn't come naturally to me. this is not to say i don't enjoy it or that i am not open to possibilities. maybe with experience that would be less of a problem.

[ikklebabyj.livejournal.com]

This may be years too late, and probably you wont even see my reply, nevertheless, I just have to second the part of wildeabandon's reply about smiling to people you have a moment of eye contact with.

It might feel silly at first, and it sure doesn't need to be long and strange, just a quick smile if you and another catch eyes for a second. Try it out, it's easier when you dont know them and they/you are on the move.

Jx

[abigailb.livejournal.com]

I have comment notifications on, so saw immediately. Thanks for the suggestion!