Another thing that occurs to me is we live in a very non-touch-oriented society. I know that when I am tired, stressed or lonely, I need quite a bit of physical contact (though not necessarily sexual contact, which can be distressing if I'm really upset) and sometimes only physical contact will do. I know that when I was dating shevek I basically expected him to provide that whenever I needed it, and that was difficult because a) we lived in different cities (after we'd finished living in different countries) and b) he is easily drained by that sort of contact in some contexts. I am learning to manage this quite differently now. It does help to have a strong circle of friends who will actually hug me (and even snuggle a bit) if I ask, and it helps to have two boyfriends, but there are still times when I feel isolated due to lack of touch. I'm learning that there are things I can do that will help me feel better for a while; a hot bath, or a hot water bottle, or a walk outside all help. Staying in touch with people online helps (though can be counter-productive if I'm not careful). Listening to really good music helps, and I so often forget to do it. Anyway, I'm wondering if some of your painful infatuation might be due to plain old ordinary touch-deprivation, and if completely non-sexual physical contact on a regular basis might help you feel better. But maybe I'm just projecting my own needs onto you.